At the age of 7, my mom and dad got a divorce. I blamed myself for the divorce. Everbody said it wasn't my fault, but I was convinced it was.
My elementary years were somewhat normal. I had my fair share of friends but I wasn't very popular. In middle school, I was really an outcast. I didn't fit in anywhere.
My freshmen year came. I never knew what being ridiculed was until that year. I did not fit in anywhere at that school.
I was in this school play called Oklahoma. This one person durring play practice came up to me. I was very shy back then. She kept coming up to me and talking to me, even though I wasn't that intresting. She had something I didn't have and I wanted. The last performance she lead me to Christ and I never felt that joy until that day. It was in November. The rest of the school year I grew.
Durring the summer between my freshmen and sophmore year, it started getting rough. I stopped giving God reign over my life and I really struggled. A friend that I didn't know that well tried to kill himself and it really took a toll on me. I feel into and out of depressian all that summer.
Then my sophmore year started and I wansn't doing what God has called me to do. The first half of the year flew by.
I got into a relationship that I shouldn't have gotten into and I ended it then the guy ties to kill himself. He didn't suceed, but it hit me hard.
The following week when I came back from Christmas break was alright. Nothing really aweful happened. That friday everything just fell in around me. I took 13 200mg ibprophen. I remember falling asleep at 6pm and I didn't wake up until 10 the next morning. That night I went to the tfc office for prayer. I felt so unworthy to be there, around those people. I just shoved away their love. I wouldn't let God forgive me for that. Several weeks had past but nothing improved. I wouldn't let God move in my life. I was clutching on to so much so tightly.
I couldn't deal with it anymore. I just wanted a way out somehow. I wasn't good enough. I couldn't allow myself to be happy. I didn't find myself worthy of anything. I just got so sick of myself. Because of my low self-esteem and all of that, I started my self-mutalation. I used to burn and cut myself. Thats how I dealt with everything. I had a bad day, I go home and take it out on my wrist or arm or leg or something. I seen myself bleed and I knew I was alive. I knew I wasn't invisible, I am alive, though I was so numb to grasp that.
Through alot of different people and situations, God just showed me how amazing He is and how much He loved me. How much He didn't want to see me doing these things. He sent His Son to die for me, so I could be free of this bondage, and look what I was doing to myself. I gave all the things I was going through over to Him. It was hard, but it was so worth it. His love surrounded me, and thats why I'm here today.
I went to bootcamp that summer and God really changed me. He helped me to grow so much to what He wants for me. I'm still not there, but I'm trying to reach it.
This summer I found out that my stepdad was cheating on my mom and it tore me apart. He has played me and my mom. He just did all of this so he could get everything he wanted in the end. Through all of this, I still wanted to see him come to know Jesus. There was so much pain in that situation.
The end of that summer I went to a newsboys concert and God told me that I'm going to help people. I'm going to be a christian counsler. I'm going to help people through what they're going through. It gave me so much hope for the future.
February of this year I was doing my jr reasearch project. I did it on the differences between christianity and Islam. I really have a heart for hte middle east. I'm called to go over to some country in the middle east and preach the gospel. I don't know how that will work with my counsling, but I know God will work it out.
My Grandma has alhimers. Her memory is failing and its just really hard on my family. I don't know how God is going to work in this situation, but I do have faith that God will work miricles in it.
I hope you got something out of this...